Is Femininity a Coin, a Spectrum or a Secret Third Thing?

“Rest in your femininity.” The guest repeated into the microphone with a smile. The host, bewildered asked “what’s feminine? How do you speak in a feminine way?”

No explanation came. Only a smile that said “you know what I mean.”

But what did he mean? I have been chased by several posts, reels and comments admonishing women to exude ‘feminine energy’, embrace the ‘divine feminine’ or stand in their ‘feminine power’ so they can affirm their true ‘womanhood’. Everytime, I was lost.

These phrases may seem to you like empty meaningless pixels dusted off cluttered minds until you start to pay attention to the rhetoric. A rhetoric that defines what it should be like to exist in the world as a woman. So far I have identified three of them : the coin, the spectrum, and a third thing I can’t find a metaphor for.

The Coin of Conventional Femininity

“Resting in your femininity means leaning back and letting things come to you. It means allowing things to be easier and more effortless.” — Katrina

A coin has three sides: heads, tails and a rim. According to the rhetoric that agrees with Katrina, masculinity is heads, femininity is tails and the rim is so thin that it really isn’t there. So, if you are not a ‘feminine’ woman, you are not really being a woman. Rather you are giving off ‘masculine’ energy which will work against the greater good of you attracting the masculine man who will help you attain your higher self.

The characteristics of this femininity are: soft (also: malleability), passive, sensual, submissive, nurturing, emotional, domestic, pleasing, pretty, plus a very specific aesthetic to match (think Barbie face/body, light fabric & flowers).

On the other hand, being bold, active, assertive, strong, ambitious, wealthy, independent, logical, outdoorsy, self-leading, stoic, brutal, or muscular, plus a specific aesthetic (think chiseled jaw, thick fabrics, dark colours) is masculine.

No exceptions. If you don’t fit, have a nice day at Existential Crisis Café.❤

AI results: the ultimate feminine woman (top) and the ultimate feminine black woman (bottom).

Also, women good at being this ‘feminine’ must value domestic labour — a sacred duty that maintains a ‘natural equilibrium’ in relationships between men and women. In return, any need and want they have will either attracted or supplied by masculine men: money, things, protection, direction. Accordingly, ‘a broke man, is no man’.

Because of this femininity, muscular female athletes like Serena Williams, break dancers like Ciara, writers like me minding their own ovaries in Yaba, and any ambitious woman, have been called men.

Is this femininity a coin sexism tosses in the air for mad fun? You, answer.

The Spectrum of Femininity — Masculinity

A spin-off from coin-ing womanature. It is popular femininity.

Everybody can (should) possess both conventional feminine and masculine traits. It is considered progressive to do so. Your personality will exist on a spectrum. On the extreme right of this spectrum is femininity according to the Coin-ers, and on the other extreme side is also their version of masculinity (positioning represents the two halves of the brain). Both extremes are considered dysfunctional.

Here, it is permissible for women to move along the spectrum. Mix and match. Evolve. Become.

BUT a note of caution: moving too much to the left will make a masculine woman (not a man), which is generally fine if you are not heterosexual. If you are, and intend to marry then it requires a balancing act. The reverse also applies.

Inside you, there are two wolves but they are both sad due to inflation.

Accordingly, if you are ambitious, balance it with being domestic. If you are muscular, emphasise your nurturing side. If you are assertive, show that you are willing to defer to a truly masculine man. And if you are independent, show that you still need/want to need a protector and provider (try not to adopt a cat, might ruin things). Or find a ‘feminine’ man and restore balance to the world.

Naturally, not everyone who thinks femininity is a spectrum agrees with this. But they’d be hard pressed to deny that it exists in the overall perspective.

I hope my phrasing doesn’t make this look, in any way, like a joke. This is serious, real life business.

This spectrum is the reason why successful women are encouraged to show how they are ‘grounded’ by marital life or similar obligations. It is also why when a woman is running for president, it is important to discuss her maternal prowess.

A Secret Third: Existence

Is the opposite of water, fire or no water?

Here, the feminine is like water taking the form of its vessel. Whatever the woman is, becomes an expression of femininity. This makes femininity seem like a lake the size of an ocean — wide enough to harbour several possibilities but shored in by womanature. A sort of inclusive exclusivity.

Every woman is feminine and only women are feminine. This is because only women are capable of femininity. It is a nature, not a set of defined ways to exist in the world. It is, if I may, “Of women and by women”.

So, a woman climbing a mountain is feminine. A woman belly-dancing? Feminine. Multiple degrees? Feminine. Farming? You bet your spleen, that’s feminine. As long as a woman does it. The same applies for masculinity. These expressions are considered somewhat independent from more survival-inclined adult responsibilities like domestic work, child care etc — when they are not the person’s freely chosen professional work.

Muscular and non-muscular, flower-loving and non-flower loving, nurturing and non-nurturing, assertive and non-assertive. Whatever a woman is, is considered feminine.

I should be swimming here, but no, I’m in Lagos replying emails.

Radical. Maybe radical enough to implode on itself? Sometimes when you say ‘everything’, you are saying ‘nothing’ but with pizzazz.

There are ways in which women express themselves (by choice or not) in the world which can be considered harmful to the dignity of persons. Example: if a woman is abusive, is abuse then an expression of femininity? Or will what attacks dignity be considered a corruption of femininity in the way that sin is considered a corruption of humanity?

It will be interesting to see where such a perspective could lead, if it overtakes popular or conventional femininity.

I have been obsessed with following this white rabbit down several holes.

There are probably perspectives beyond what I have encountered and written, or several unmentioned layers within those I have.

But what is femininity? The coin, a spectrum within every woman, or a third thing that comes with just existing?

I know my answer. I wonder what yours is.

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Thank you for reading! If you like reading about women, try this next. And, if you’re an African writer, check out my Substack for opportunities.