Look What Jane Austen & Trevor Noah Made Me Do

It is the intention of this story to distract you from your problems by amusing you with mine.

Curiously, these ones have nothing to do with our elusive mutual friend— money — but it has everything to do with a woman who was dead long before her country drove stakes on a map of mine in Berlin, and a comedian whose romantic interests look nothing like me.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

This is what Jane and Trevor taught me to do.

When love is pain and romance, disdain.

A parting message to the men I will never love again:

She was the baddest. He was the realest.

May Your Next Cupid’s Arrow Bring You Sense

Hey You,

Mr. PDA. Because of Jane, “I have no notion of loving people by halves”* but if I ever wanted to learn I’d enroll in your brain. Anyone would cringe at the hours of conversation poured into a shallow infatuation. What is it about dark skin and Queen Idia’s eyes that mesmerized you into a stupor? That made you stop at the window but have no desire for the soul?

If you fancied yourself a Wickham with better charm, then you failed woefully in considering me anything like Lydia. I may be brazen and playful but I would never sell my pride for paltry affection. You taught me how to spot a man like you from a single compliment. The lesson has never failed me. Thank you for your service.

If you’re seeing this, don’t try to leave here again.

How are you Mr. Fox?

They say what an elder sees sitting down, a child cannot see even if they climbed a palm tree. And that is how you came to me; offering wisdom I had no interest in climbing for. Twisting tales and cunning sentences just so you would entangle yourself in them and never have to face the truth.

When will you ever tell her? The one who loves you deeply in joyful hope, that she is wasting her life waiting for you? You spoke to me about how “only the deepest love will induce me into matrimony”* but we both know that it is impossible because you are determined not to really love during what is left of your youth. So, you string her along, and wanted me to keep her company in your puppetry.

But even if I wanted to learn those ropes, “you are not handsome enough to tempt me”*. You are not Keanu Reeves. Here’s some advice though, young person to “elderly man”: Try not to become Leonardo Di Caprio’s present in your future, you know how Titanic ends — you drown.

Because even if there’s space, she wouldn’t let you stay.

Now, it is time for the best, Mr. Pilot.

The emperor, the conqueror, the champion, the lion — the wimp. You are special to me, because you are the only one that has sent fear pulsing through my core. I still have nightmares that you suddenly show up next to me, and I wake up with adrenaline to fight till one of us lands in the hospital. There are many reasons I should have left you sooner, but Trevor Noah’s was the loudest.

You are a traditional man at heart. I am an unconventional woman. You looked at me and said, “challenge accepted” as if life is sponsored by Xbox. Then you attacked the fortress where it would hurt me the most — my mind. I don’t know what is worse, that you claim it was not intentional or that you may not have had the self-awareness to see and face your dark side.

“The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He’s attracted to independent women. “He’s like an exotic bird collector,” she said. “He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage.”*

If I am ever behind bars, it would be for something worthwhile. Never for a love that’s shadowed with disdain. You really should explore how your pain colors your mind. It’s not as deeply buried as you think.

Here’s some free advice, if you ever see me, block your chin. I’m buying brass knuckles with your name on them.

I love to reminisce on my scrapes with love over coffee. It distracts from the real, much more serious problems like having to flee my country if something goes horribly wrong with these elections.

So, follow me with your imagination. Think about what it would be like to be with people you could never love again. Then laugh! Because the best way to get rid of a monster is to make it riddikulus.

In order of quotation*

• Northanger Abbey
• Pride & Prejudice
• Pride & Prejudice
• Born a Crime

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It’s the month of love innit? Read this next to really steam your buns!