Personal ‘Truths’, the Objectivity of Experience, & the Nigerian Women Choosing not to Marry
Aren’t you tired of being lied to? Because I am.
On a random Tuesday, after the sun had licked me raw and left me leeching whatever cool a very tired air conditioner was sputtering out of its grille, I was offered a book. It was a random buy off the street; purchased because the title was in a native language and my sweet benefactress thought I (student and lover of culture) would definitely enjoy it.
The forward to this novel began with a common narrative: this generation of young people are confused because they have abandoned the principles and precepts of old.
This reminded me of the feverish hand-wringing to enraged complaints, I frequently come across, anytime young women talk about not prioritising/seeking marriage and childbirth. These complaints claim they have been inoculated or deceived with confusing ideas which ‘defeminize’ them and can end nowhere but the valley of sorrow and tears strewn with cat fur and encircled by a river of loneliness. Wow.
The connection here is that because the ‘abandoned’ principles are good and true, deviations from them are a result of confusion, calculated deception or errors from philosophical movements. Okay.
But here’s the thing. Even in cases where this can be said to be true, it is never the entire truth, and I am extremely tired of the lie that it is.
The above reasons for deviation seem as though they begin and end in the mind, but what about the PART which begins from what is real? What about the evidence of experience?
The Objectivity of Experience
Why Taylor Swift is so popular? (Toh, if you like say illuminati)It’s because she has documented her life experiences, as they occurred, in songs.
Experience is a powerful thing. I’m gagging as I write this but it truly is the best teacher; the greatest evidence available to human beings. Both science and religion are built on it. Our knowledge of gravity came from the experience of things falling down and never up; and people keep believing in Jesus because they experience him in their lives.
But for humans to actually experience something, it has to exist in some way. I’m not saying it exists because we experience it, rather we experience it because it exists. So, whatever people truly experience has some root in reality.
I seriously need you to stay with me because here’s where it gets problematic:
There are experiences that are objective like gravity, and experiences that are subjective like eating amala (from that stupid Labule in Ikeja). But both kinds of experiences always produce a measure of evidence that is objective or factual because they happened. The part of every experience that is their existence is objective evidence.
Hold on to this sentence will you? We’ll need it later.
If I were prone to hallucination and would often see a heffalump following me around, that creature may not be real in a physical sense or in principle but the fact that I am INDEED seeing them is an objective reality. My experience of them is evidence that points to something.
On to the claims of people being confused or deceived since they have deviated from the old and true of our ancestors.
It is hardly what a value is, or supposed to be, in principle that convinces people, it is what it is in reality (which includes the way it informs people’s experiences) that will argue the MOST in or against its favour. Let’s take marriage:
When I speak to Nigerian women who do not want to marry or want to prioritise it, they often cite how they have seen women suffer and do not wish to risk it for themselves:
“…My parents have destroyed whatever view I might have had about marriage. The shouting, the insults, the curses, the abuse (not giving her money for food because she disagreed with him, cutting her off from her family) I could go on and on and on. I am not saying that because my father is like this all men would be too, but…” — Mary*
“I grew up around many married people and I don’t want what they have.
Especially the women. I hate that I have to workout to have a banging body after postpartum so my cheating husband can at least see me…” — Tolu*
“…I see the way men talk about women in real life and on social media, the way many women start ageing after marriage, stop their career sometimes and still get berated for it.” — June*
“…The system is flawed and if men are born and/or raised sexist, it’ll show one day down the line and what will I do then? It’s too much risk for barely any reward. One thing that is also scary is that even if you marry that one unicorn that has sense, how about his family, his friends, and random people on the streets who every day reinforce his ‘superiority’? How long can someone hear that they’re the shit without believing it?” — Elohor
“There wasn’t a one time experience that formed mine. It was just constantly seeing the light go out of women’s eyes when they married and seeing once happy women become bitter and shrivelled…My cousin divorced last year and I’m so glad she’s doing okay because her husband wanted to make her life hell by taking away her kids. She’s divorced him and her kids are doing okay and her career is also flourishing now” — Ibilolia*
The usual responses to views like this are “these are not the majority, lots of marriages are good” or “there are bad people everywhere, it doesn’t mean that marriage is bad”; with the conclusion being that marriage (or any other social norm/value) is still a good idea and what people should be focused on is choosing wisely.
Aside from the fact that no one decides to choose a terrible spouse, I often wonder: in what ways do statements like this address the actual issue these women raise, that for many Nigerian women marriage is tantamount to endurance of abuse at one point or the other?
Even if this 2020 study showing that “the pooled prevalence of IPV (intimate partner violence) among women (in Sub-Saharan Africa) was 44%” didn’t exist; based on their experiences alone, these women have enough objective evidence to ‘deviate’ because what they have experienced is reality. A reality informing the truth of marriage in society.
Oh and this reality flows from marriages established according to what is now referred to as the old, true and good of our ancestors.
Remember that thought you were holding on to? You can bring it back now.
Is there My ‘Truth’, My ‘Perspective’ or THE TRUTH?
You could see a black vase, or two white silhouettes first; but the truth of the image is that it includes both of them.
Truth, as it relates to social reality, is made of different perspectives. If perspectives (from human experience) seem to contradict each other, then there’s usually something more that harmonies the two — a bridge that gives the entire picture. The bridge of Rubin’s vase is that it is an optical illusion.
When people wholeheartedly say ‘my truth’, the semantics of it often point more to a perspective born from the reality of what they have experienced. I’ve also noticed a lot how people whip out this phrase when they are being dismissed. Meanwhile, their perspective feeds into THE truth of the matter, because no social reality is so simple as to create a unilateral experience.
People’s experiences reveal reality.
We may use statistics to make declarative statements about social life based on majority, but it is important to remember that behind every percentage — big or small — are lives of infinite value; and effects of harm may often prove harder to recover from than good is easy to cling to.
I’ve said all this just to get to this final point:
In attempts to push principles/values, do not dismiss or sideline the evidence of human experience because it is convenient and in your favour to do so. Give it the importance it deserves. Do not tell a lie, or receive a lie, by pretending half or quarter a truth is the entire truth.
When there’re truly conflicting experiences, find the bridge where everyone can stand on and be understood. Even if, in the end, not everyone agrees, at least people are understood enough for some path forward to be charted.
‘*’ represents fictitious names, to keep contributors anonymous.
If you liked this or/and you’re Nigerian, try this super short one next
